yours truly

Dear Captain,

Let me start out by saying that I think you do a wonderful job around here. However, I just have one tiny little thing that I would like to discuss with you; morning abandon ship drills. Please, I mean no disrespect, but I feel this has to be addressed.

I understand that you're just trying to keep us safe. I understand how important it is for us to be startled out of our sleep to stumble, foggy-eyed, to our emergency muster stations. I even understand how vital it is that we all practice getting into our lifejackets. (Actually, that one I can't complain about; how did you know that that boxy orange fashion faux-pas would sit at just the right level for me to rest my chin on while I grabbed a quick nap between announcements?)

All I'm saying is that, given the fact that I didn't sleep more than an hour last night, (and a fitful hour at that because I just couldn't. stop. coughing.) it seemed kind of cruel to wrench me from my bed, make me find my pants in an incredible hurry and send me running up to Deck Eight. (Well, to be honest, I wasn't running. Number one, because I was wearing flip flops, and we all know you never run in flip flops. Number two, because I'm a respiratory cripple. That tends to limit my top speed. I'm just saying.)

Please, if you have any regard for my sanity and/or the state of my lungs, can we have the drill at, say, lunchtime next week? Better yet, let's wait until it's decently the afternoon. Together, we can make drills an enjoyable experience for all involved. I know we can do this.

Yours Truly,
Ali


PS I wasn't kidding; I really do think you do a great job. And your kid is adorable.