Thank you for your transparency and honesty. Like you, I struggle greatly with God's sovereignty, though, like you, I love the Lord with all my heart, soul, and mind. My faith is as tiny as a mustard seed compared with yours and your brothers and sisters who serve along side of you in and around Africa and every other third-world country.
I want to be able to know and understand everything, but God says: KnowMe and TrustMe. That's the challenge many days. I pray that you will know and trust Him more and more each day...may we all.